Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Best and Worst Things About Ke$ha

 I have hated Ke$ha ever since I first heard of her.  The dollar sign in her name, her sleaziness, her lack of talent - it has all morphed together to form a lasting place in the hate section of my brain.  I am delighted to make a post where I describe the worst things about Ke$ha (dear God, writing her name is annoying as hell), but I've had a lot of difficulty in coming up with the best things about her.  At first I thought it was impossible to find a quality in Ke$ha that isn't terrible - even Google Images couldn't find a decent picture of her.  But I have persevered and I present the best/worst things about Ke$ha.  I'll start with the worst:

The Worst:

5. She is over six feet tall:  I can't actually prove this, but I've read in several places that she is around 6'1".  Some people might wonder why this is one of the worst things about her, but you need to understand that she is practically a giant.  She is bigger, stronger, and manlier than the other pop artists  - she can scare her way to the top of the charts.  Can someone book her for Monsters Inc. 2?  The last thing I want is a giant, sleazy woman screaming her "songs" at me.  That is one of my biggest fears.

4. Glitter: If I had things my way, I would ban glitter from the US.  I hate it because it never goes away and it makes me look unintentionally girly.  Birthday cards are the worst.  It's a risk even pulling them out of the envelope - what if they have glitter on them?  I'll forfeit the birthday money and donate it to charity.

3. She isn't good looking:  I could tolerate Ke$ha a little if she was at least hot, but she isn't.  The glitter seems like an ill-conceived attempt at making her beautiful.  It backfired and now she's stuck with glitter forever. 

2. Her music sucks / she can't sing:  I've been unfortunate enough to hear some of her songs - they are terrible.  I really don't understand how people think that is her real voice or how people find that fabricated voice appealing.  It isn't right that she gets paid to be horrible.  Basically, she screams into a microphone and money comes pouring out.  Anyone could do that.

1. She is a role model:  This is the single worst thing about Ke$ha.  The fact that people actually pay for her music and pay to see her in concert (and even pay to look like her) disgusts me. She came to my university to perform (I don't know why they chose her - ugh) and basically told everyone to fornicate during her concert.  She had glitter shot into the crowds and showed everyone that she can't sing at all.  Thank God I didn't go to the concert.

The Best:

5. She shows that fame isn't always good:  I'm running out of ideas for the "best" category, but this sort of works.  Here I am writing on my blog about how much I hate Ke$ha.  Sometimes it must suck being famous because no matter what, not everyone will like you.  And I definitely hate Ke$ha.

4. She proves that anyone can be successful:  If she can be successful, so can I.  I don't need to have talent to be successful.  Maybe I just need luck.

3. She makes me feel good about myself:  Whenever I feel terrible or worthless, I think about Ke$a.  This is a cheap shot, but it's the truth.

2. She helps me realize who I hate:  As a general rule, I avoid people who listen to Ke$ha.  I just don't get along with people who enjoy her music.  If she didn't exist, it would cost me countless hours since I would have to weed these people out by other means.  So I guess her music does serve a purpose.

1. She can't live forever:  Wow, I seem like a terrible person for saying that.  But really, unless glitter makes her immortal, she will leave this earth some day.  Maybe I should rephrase that - her career can't last forever.  There, that sounds better, right?  Someday, children will grow tired of pouring glitter down their throats and will realize that getting STD's is a bad thing.  And that day will be glorious.

Until that day comes, I will avoid glitter at all costs.