Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Best and Worst Things About Ke$ha

 I have hated Ke$ha ever since I first heard of her.  The dollar sign in her name, her sleaziness, her lack of talent - it has all morphed together to form a lasting place in the hate section of my brain.  I am delighted to make a post where I describe the worst things about Ke$ha (dear God, writing her name is annoying as hell), but I've had a lot of difficulty in coming up with the best things about her.  At first I thought it was impossible to find a quality in Ke$ha that isn't terrible - even Google Images couldn't find a decent picture of her.  But I have persevered and I present the best/worst things about Ke$ha.  I'll start with the worst:

The Worst:

5. She is over six feet tall:  I can't actually prove this, but I've read in several places that she is around 6'1".  Some people might wonder why this is one of the worst things about her, but you need to understand that she is practically a giant.  She is bigger, stronger, and manlier than the other pop artists  - she can scare her way to the top of the charts.  Can someone book her for Monsters Inc. 2?  The last thing I want is a giant, sleazy woman screaming her "songs" at me.  That is one of my biggest fears.

4. Glitter: If I had things my way, I would ban glitter from the US.  I hate it because it never goes away and it makes me look unintentionally girly.  Birthday cards are the worst.  It's a risk even pulling them out of the envelope - what if they have glitter on them?  I'll forfeit the birthday money and donate it to charity.

3. She isn't good looking:  I could tolerate Ke$ha a little if she was at least hot, but she isn't.  The glitter seems like an ill-conceived attempt at making her beautiful.  It backfired and now she's stuck with glitter forever. 

2. Her music sucks / she can't sing:  I've been unfortunate enough to hear some of her songs - they are terrible.  I really don't understand how people think that is her real voice or how people find that fabricated voice appealing.  It isn't right that she gets paid to be horrible.  Basically, she screams into a microphone and money comes pouring out.  Anyone could do that.

1. She is a role model:  This is the single worst thing about Ke$ha.  The fact that people actually pay for her music and pay to see her in concert (and even pay to look like her) disgusts me. She came to my university to perform (I don't know why they chose her - ugh) and basically told everyone to fornicate during her concert.  She had glitter shot into the crowds and showed everyone that she can't sing at all.  Thank God I didn't go to the concert.

The Best:

5. She shows that fame isn't always good:  I'm running out of ideas for the "best" category, but this sort of works.  Here I am writing on my blog about how much I hate Ke$ha.  Sometimes it must suck being famous because no matter what, not everyone will like you.  And I definitely hate Ke$ha.

4. She proves that anyone can be successful:  If she can be successful, so can I.  I don't need to have talent to be successful.  Maybe I just need luck.

3. She makes me feel good about myself:  Whenever I feel terrible or worthless, I think about Ke$a.  This is a cheap shot, but it's the truth.

2. She helps me realize who I hate:  As a general rule, I avoid people who listen to Ke$ha.  I just don't get along with people who enjoy her music.  If she didn't exist, it would cost me countless hours since I would have to weed these people out by other means.  So I guess her music does serve a purpose.

1. She can't live forever:  Wow, I seem like a terrible person for saying that.  But really, unless glitter makes her immortal, she will leave this earth some day.  Maybe I should rephrase that - her career can't last forever.  There, that sounds better, right?  Someday, children will grow tired of pouring glitter down their throats and will realize that getting STD's is a bad thing.  And that day will be glorious.

Until that day comes, I will avoid glitter at all costs.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Facebook Questions are the Worst

The new Questions feature put out by Facebook is pretty much pointless.  It isn't a feature I will use and I hope it eventually disappears from the website.   It's nowhere as bad as Yahoo! Answers, but the types of questions asked on Facebook aren't even worth answering.  The questions feature just seems sort of childish.  I sure as hell don't want to know my friends' opinions on "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck..." or "Which college is the BEST" (Which have both shown up on my feed today).  It's just a feature that promotes stupidity from people on Facebook - and I've had enough of stupid people on Facebook.

What makes it worse is the fact that literally anyone can add another answer to a question.  If I ask whether people prefer Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, someone can add another answer ("I like Twilight LOL") that doesn't even answer the question.  I've seen questions that literally have 99 answers because people just keep adding stupid things to the list.  In the end, the question doesn't even get answered correctly.  It turns into a shouting match for things that should never be an option in the first place. 

Asking questions are a way for us to gain knowledge.  Facebook Questions is just another feature that allows people to throw their inane opinions at their friends.  If Facebook didn't realize it, the "status" is a feature that already gives users that ability.  I think social networking is great, but I do think that it's getting to a point where information sharing is excessive.  Facebook Questions doesn't do anything new and only promotes stupidity.  If someone can show me a way in which Facebook Questions is useful, maybe I'll change my opinion.  Until then, I think it is a feature that should be removed.

Worst: Complainabrags and Explainabrags

I know the title of this post doesn't make much sense, but I don't know what other name to call these people.  A complainabrag is my ripoff of the explainabrag (from the show Community).  Basically, a complainabrag is when someone complains about something only so he/she can later brag about it.

The reason I'm in this mood is because a girl in one of my classes complained about the final on Facebook.  She said she didn't even know why she took the class - making people assume it was giving her difficulties.  So I asked her if she thought it would be hard, but she replied saying it was "the least of [her] worries."  Why complain about the least of your worries?  That's just stupid.  That's like complaining about a pimple on your face when you need to get both of your legs amputated.

Then, after we took the final, she wrote on my wall and asked what I thought of the test.  I was surprised that she wrote on my wall because I never talk to her - the only reason I commented on her status the day before was because I realized we were in the same class.  I don't even say hi when I pass her on campus.  Yet, there she was writing on my wall.  I told her I didn't think the test was bad.  She responded by saying she "completely agreed" and thought it was "quite easy."  Again, she wanted me to know how smart she is.

When I first met this girl, she used an explainabrag to tell me she was the valedictorian of her high school.  I hate people who  are always trying to tell everyone how smart they are.  It's annoying and no one really cares.  Other people are smart, too.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Worst: Stupid Mistakes

Everyone has been here.  We all make mistakes.  As humans, we rely on basic methods of communication to function.  We greet people almost the same way every time.  Here's an example:

"Hey, what's up?" says a guy you rarely speak to.

"Nothin' much.  What about you?" you reply.



No one stops and tells the other person what they are up to, how they are actually feeling, or anything at all.  We have automatic responses stored in our minds to help us get through the day.  Our minds try to make every day conversations mistake-proof.  But, of course, there are times when simple conversations/actions embarrass us or make things awkward.

Here are the five worst things that plague our conversations.  Please think before saying/doing any of these things:

1. "Thanks, you too."

As shown in the picture above, this is an awkward moment we have all experienced.  We say it, realize what we said, and then leave before we embarrass ourselves any further.  Fast food and movie theater employees love it when people say this to them.  It makes their terrible jobs bearable for a few seconds.  Don't let them have that satisfaction.  Think before you speak and tell them to have a good night working.

2. The Awkward Wave

What is the automatic response when you see someone waving at you?  You wave back, right?  Oh, wait - he/she was waving at someone behind you and now you look stupid.  Maybe you don't realize it at first and this person walks your way - you attempt to talk to them.  But, of course, they ignore you because they weren't waving at you.  This isn't something you can pass off as head scratch.  Your hand was definitely waving.  It's best to just assume that no one ever notices you.  Just ignore people until they shout out your full name and make physical contact with you.

3. The Awkward Handshake

Jimmy Fallon knows what I'm talking about.

This is another one that people continuously fail at.  You see someone you know, there are no awkward waves involve, but you still screw it up with the handshake.  It used to be simple - there was just the simple handshake.  Now we have the pound/fist-bump, the high five, and plenty of other things that I have trouble describing in words.  It's complicated and your brain becomes confused.  Instead of doing the correct thing, you practically punch your acquaintance's hand.  Don't offer your hand until they offer theirs.

4. Do I know you?

Everyone has mistaken someone for someone else at some point in their lives.  It sucks.  I don't have 20/20 vision - everyone looks familiar from far away.  You think you see someone you know, and you yell "HEY" or clap them on the shoulder or even make an inside joke.  Then you get a blank stare from someone you've never met - someone who actually looks nothing like the person you were thinking of.  I've learned to wait until I know for sure.

5. Forgetting Names

"Hey, uh...girl.  How's it going?"
"You don't know my name.  Do you?"
"...I'll just leave.  Sorry."

I can never remember the names of people I meet.  It's like there's a black hole in my brain that prevents me from knowing vital information.  You can try to get this unknown person to reveal his/her name, but usually it just doesn't work.  Sometimes you can get through a conversation without knowing someone's name, but introductions are the worst ("This is... uhhh").  If you're lucky, people will introduce themselves, but that only happens 7% of the time in my experience.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Yahoo! Answers: Horses

Click for larger size

Since this is a blog about opinions and terrible things, I decided to post some of my favorite answers from Yahoo.  Most of them will be by TheSnacks (that's me).  They will also be at least one of the following: stupid, weird, poop-related, or funny (hopefully).  I haven't used Yahoo! Answers in a long time, but I still enjoy looking at some of the questions asked/answered.

Rant: Teachers

Reading about test taking annoyances really got me thinking about what makes me angry in the classroom.  BestLikeAMuh covered the students we all hate, so I figure I'll focus on the teachers.  No matter how many times I use ratemyprofessors.com, I always have at least one bad teacher.  Here are the kinds of teachers I hate.

1. Late/Lazy Teachers

I've had some continuously late teachers over the course of the semester, and they always have the worst excuses for their laziness.  I'm quite lazy myself, but if you're teaching a class, you should be there on time.  I had one teacher who consistently showed up 10 minutes late to class.  One time she was even 30 minutes late.  My classmates and I wanted to leave every time, but we usually had specific things to turn in or get done.  Then that same teacher would keep us in class late because she "usually lets us out early."  WORST.

The only benefit to lazy teachers is that they frequently have to cancel classes due to "personal reasons."

2. "The notes are online, but I add things in during lecture"

This is almost always a lie, and I hate it.  It is a tactic to get kids to come to class, but it doesn't even work.  Kids still don't come to class.  And I, a student who goes to class, am forced to pay attention to the teacher's every word in case he/she says something that could be put on the test.  I usually realize after the first test that the exams are made up entirely from the book/lecture and not what the teacher says.  Then I don't pay attention.

3. Teachers who don't use the REQUIRED book

"Don't forget to buy the required books for this class.  They are important!" - We've all heard that before.  We listen and ultimately spend way too much money on books we never need or use.  Then we sell them back to the university (or someone else) for almost nothing.  I try to wait and feel out the class before I buy my books, but I still tend to ignore some of the books.

4. "Let's sit in a circle!"

College is not kindergarten.  The last thing I want is everyone looking at me when I say something, especially if no one agrees with what I'm saying.  Instead of continuing the discussion, everyone just looks at their desks or phones in order to avoid eye contact with me or whoever last spoke.  I've only had one class where a circle setting has worked well.  The circle just isn't worth it.  People always come in late and have to awkwardly take a chair from the middle of the room and shove it between two already cramped students.  There's a lot of moving around before class, and then it is courteous to put the chairs back afterward.  Circles, squares, ovals, stars - never a good idea.

5. Dinosaurs

I'm not saying all old teachers are bad, but I hate it when teachers refuse to adapt to new technology.  I cringe every time I see this in a classroom:

The overhead projector shown above is no doubt much nicer and cleaner than any projector my teachers use.  Old projectors tend to have blotches on the lens and are usually blurry.  They are horrible for taking notes, especially when the teacher uses a stapler as a paper weight (it covers up half of what I'm trying to write down).  There are new, nice projectors that colleges have spent money on - use them.  Also, you're a teacher - learn how to use the online grading system and email set up by the school.  It will make things much easier for everyone.

I had one teacher who refused to do anything online because he was afraid of viruses.  I had another teacher who didn't know how to work a VCR, yet showed a bunch of movies in her class (a student worked the VCR).  Aren't VCR's supposed to be from an "older generation" of people?  Kids today don't even know that they are.  Technology is supposed to make things easier, yet the continuous refusal to use new things makes things harder on students.

I know there are probably many more teachers I hate, but those are the top five.  Hopefully I won't run into any of them ever again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Rant: I Hate Long Coats

Yes, I know it is now spring and I know it is coming to a point where coats are despised by everyone.  But it snowed yesterday in my hometown, so this post gets a pass.  Also, rants are uncontrollable fits of rage and I cant keep myself from posting them (even if they are about women's fashion).

I’ve seen an absurd number of girls wear this coat or similar coats this past winter… and I really hate it.  Long coat might not be the correct name, but that isn't the point of this rant.  I just don’t see why the coat has to be so long.  My kneecaps don’t need to be protected by my coat.  I have another article of clothing to protect my knees - pants.  I don't care if it's fashionable; chop off the bottom and make another coat.

This coat makes anyone who wears it look homeless.  You could take a great looking girl and put her in this coat and I would toss a few quarters her way in hopes that she spends it on food rather than meth .  I’m a guy so I appreciate seeing more of girls.  If I was a single guy trying to pick up a girl, I'd be even more infuriated.  How are you supposed to know what they look like?  If you pair the long coat with the summer-favorite gigantic sunglasses, there would be no need for a Witness Protection Program.  It'd be impossible to tell who anyone was.

Also, the coat is puffy and rigid.  With this coat, the shape stays circular as if it were held in place by a wire frame.  I feel like girls could just crouch down in the coat and live inside their impenetrable fortresses.  Those things are certified fallout shelters.  I don't even think these can be called coats.  

If you're a girl, don't wear one of these.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Once Turned a Girl into a Lesbian

Since I like to start things out right, I decided that the first post of this blog would be about the time I turned a girl into a lesbian.  This isn't a story of shame or embarrassment, but one that left me proud and with a sense of accomplishment.  Everyone thinks turning a girl into a lesbian is something to be ashamed of (George Costanza), but it isn't.

During my freshman year of college, I took a writing course where I sat next to a girl named Jan (Not her real name for obvious reasons).  She seemed like a nice girl and I talked to her every class because I literally had no one else to talk to.  I never talked to her outside of class and I only grudgingly accepted her friend request on Facebook.  I wasn't interested in a relationship with her because I have a girlfriend.  Besides, Jan was attractive in the way lo-fat yogurt is attractive (it's not what I really want).

But on this life changing (read: sexual preference changing) day, Jan followed me out of class and kept talking to me.  We were no longer trapped in a room where I couldn't avoid her - and I STILL couldn't avoid her.  She asked me if I wanted to get dinner later that day - just as friends, of course.  Obviously I didn't want to go.  But the clever girl already got me to reveal that I had absolutely nothing to do for the rest of the day.  I'm a nice guy - sometimes too nice - and I tend agree to things (or say things) to avoid hurting someone's feelings.  I agreed to go to dinner with her, but I made sure we went somewhere on campus so I didn't have to spend any real money.

My girlfriend, roommate, and floormates all told me it was a date - this was something I was desperately denying.  It sounded like a date, but I hoped to God she didn't think it was one.  Eventually, I went down to eat with her.  It was awkward.  She quickly revealed to me that she was bi-polar and she had recently been dumped by a long-time boyfriend.  She had cheated on him because he cheated on her, blah blah blah.  I immediately told her that I had a girlfriend and I found out that she was four years older than me.  So I squashed her chances of getting with me right away, but I was a polite guy and continued to eat and talk with her.  It went on for a while until it became so awkward that she told me I was allowed to leave if I didn't want to stay (I left).  At this point, she was a lesbian.

The story isn't over, of course.  I didn't yet know she turned into a lesbian.  Fast forward to next week's class.  We had new stories due to be peer-evaluated.  We were supposed to trade with our neighbors and critique their work.  What would Jan have in store for me?

It was a story about what she did over the weekend (basically the day after I had dinner with her).  She found someone online - another woman.  Jan went to this woman's hotel and they proceeded to do what lesbians do.  I know many of you might be thinking "I love lesbians!  That's hot!"

It wasn't.  It was extremely awkward and weird knowing that I played a part in this.  I don't remember many details because I scrubbed my brain over and over again after this ordeal.  But I remember her comparing the woman's breasts to water balloons.  She also mentioned that she was losing faith in males as of late (ex-boyfriend and apparently me).  I read the story and gave her my best poker face as I tried to critique her writing.  The later submitted this to the teacher when our stories were due.

Some guys might read this and think that this isn't an accomplishment.  I was the last straw for the male sex, her last resort, the bottom of the totem pole.  Maybe, but I had (and still have) a girlfriend, so that doesn't bother me in the slightest.  And now I have a great (albeit weird) story to tell whenever I have the chance.