Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Once Turned a Girl into a Lesbian

Since I like to start things out right, I decided that the first post of this blog would be about the time I turned a girl into a lesbian.  This isn't a story of shame or embarrassment, but one that left me proud and with a sense of accomplishment.  Everyone thinks turning a girl into a lesbian is something to be ashamed of (George Costanza), but it isn't.

During my freshman year of college, I took a writing course where I sat next to a girl named Jan (Not her real name for obvious reasons).  She seemed like a nice girl and I talked to her every class because I literally had no one else to talk to.  I never talked to her outside of class and I only grudgingly accepted her friend request on Facebook.  I wasn't interested in a relationship with her because I have a girlfriend.  Besides, Jan was attractive in the way lo-fat yogurt is attractive (it's not what I really want).

But on this life changing (read: sexual preference changing) day, Jan followed me out of class and kept talking to me.  We were no longer trapped in a room where I couldn't avoid her - and I STILL couldn't avoid her.  She asked me if I wanted to get dinner later that day - just as friends, of course.  Obviously I didn't want to go.  But the clever girl already got me to reveal that I had absolutely nothing to do for the rest of the day.  I'm a nice guy - sometimes too nice - and I tend agree to things (or say things) to avoid hurting someone's feelings.  I agreed to go to dinner with her, but I made sure we went somewhere on campus so I didn't have to spend any real money.

My girlfriend, roommate, and floormates all told me it was a date - this was something I was desperately denying.  It sounded like a date, but I hoped to God she didn't think it was one.  Eventually, I went down to eat with her.  It was awkward.  She quickly revealed to me that she was bi-polar and she had recently been dumped by a long-time boyfriend.  She had cheated on him because he cheated on her, blah blah blah.  I immediately told her that I had a girlfriend and I found out that she was four years older than me.  So I squashed her chances of getting with me right away, but I was a polite guy and continued to eat and talk with her.  It went on for a while until it became so awkward that she told me I was allowed to leave if I didn't want to stay (I left).  At this point, she was a lesbian.

The story isn't over, of course.  I didn't yet know she turned into a lesbian.  Fast forward to next week's class.  We had new stories due to be peer-evaluated.  We were supposed to trade with our neighbors and critique their work.  What would Jan have in store for me?

It was a story about what she did over the weekend (basically the day after I had dinner with her).  She found someone online - another woman.  Jan went to this woman's hotel and they proceeded to do what lesbians do.  I know many of you might be thinking "I love lesbians!  That's hot!"

It wasn't.  It was extremely awkward and weird knowing that I played a part in this.  I don't remember many details because I scrubbed my brain over and over again after this ordeal.  But I remember her comparing the woman's breasts to water balloons.  She also mentioned that she was losing faith in males as of late (ex-boyfriend and apparently me).  I read the story and gave her my best poker face as I tried to critique her writing.  The later submitted this to the teacher when our stories were due.

Some guys might read this and think that this isn't an accomplishment.  I was the last straw for the male sex, her last resort, the bottom of the totem pole.  Maybe, but I had (and still have) a girlfriend, so that doesn't bother me in the slightest.  And now I have a great (albeit weird) story to tell whenever I have the chance.

1 comment:

  1. Those Lo-fat yogurt lesbians are by far the worst kind HAHA